Home Alone

Pandemic Hygiene

It’s easy to be neglectful when you are by yourself.

And, since we are in the middle of the second coming of the black plague or the Spanish Flu, and busily washing and washing and washing our hands, some habits die easy.

It’ll be 12 Noon after I have guzzled three or four mugs of coffee, given my dog a snout-nuzzle or two, waved hello to my neighbors out the back door as I’m still in my bed clothes, finished listening to the New York Times’ The Daily podcast, or caught up with the latest Stephen Colbert monologue and I’ll suddenly realize that I might not have brushed my teeth in the last 16 hours. Ewwwww, I think to myself. When did I get so indifferent about my personal hygiene?

Good thing my dog Sally likes the smell of dead things.

Then I realize I definitely have not had a shower in the past…..two days? More?

That, of course, depends on when the last time the pantry was bare because I only take showers now following my return from the grocery store. The sequence goes like this….

After walking through the garage door, I place my reusable bags of groceries on the freshly Clorox-wiped kitchen table and then proceed to strip down and throw my clothes into the washer because I was out roaming amongst the great unwashed. Then I wash my hands so as not to contaminate any other part of the house.

I am naked at this point.

I grab the spray bottle of cleaner and squirt all door knobs I came in contact with, polish them with a clean rag and then go take a hot shower.

Now that I have outlined the sequence, perhaps I should drop off the groceries, wash my hands, sanitize the door knobs and then, and only then, strip down to my birthday suit. Makes more sense, I think. Good thing I am putting this in writing.

As for teeth care, I usually floss, not assiduously, but perfunctorily as my dental hygienist will attest, brush my teeth with an electric tooth brush, brush my teeth and tongue with a regular tooth brush and then gargle with some mouthwash. It’s exhausting! It’s tough to get to that in the morning because I am so anxious to get on to the coffee-drinking part of the day!

A friend who was an elementary school teacher told me once that she gargled - at minimum - three times a day in an effort to ward off the inevitable germs that come bundled with children. I swear I think of that every time I gargle. Wondering if it truly does help while simultaneously congratulating myself for being so hygiene meticulous.

But during the time of self-quarantine, I’ve not been as stringent and sometime during the day I’ll stop and wonder - did I brush my teeth this morning? If I have not seen myself in the mirror, the answer is no.

This is incredibly not usual for me.

One of the benefits of isolation is not having to worry about your appearance but it is too simple to slide too far down the slippery slope toward embracing hygiene slothfulness. Before you know it you look like a cross between Charles Manson and the Unabomber. And your breath might be too toxic to wear a mask. (My apologies to sloths who, for all I know, may be some of the most hygienic animals on the planet. Like ants. And cats.)

With no haircuts for the foreseeable future, I can’t afford to let my facial hair run wild as well. My mindfulness about shaving to avoid the crazed cabin hermit look helps me in remembering the other daily activities.

Because we all still need to look our best from the neck up for those surprise, or planned, group video chats.

And, as our hair continually grows out, and the pandemic drags on, eventually males, like myself who live alone, will reach a Rubicon moment - man-bun, pony tail or fire up the electric hair clippers and give yourself a Marine buzz cut?

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