Take My Advice. . . Please
"I'm just talking. I'm not saying anything."
Don’t take advice from me. I am terrible at giving advice.
No matter what the situation, if I am called upon to give advice, you will receive nothing but pithy one liners. (“Do do a do, don’t do a don’t.” “Look with your eyes, not with your mouth.” “Life is like a box of chocolates.” The usual Americana). This is presuming my mind has not gone completely blank.
I have been asked to be an officiant for five weddings. Meanwhile, I have failed at two of my own marriages.
As an officiant, my track record for these marriages, without naming names, is pretty good. Four out of five the last time I checked.
But this is because I refrained from handing out any noteworthy advice.
In fact, I make an effort to dazzle them with bullshit. (W.C. Fields apparently was quoted as saying, “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.”)
I don’t have any examples of my bullshit bedazzling but I do have a kind of sort of funny story. I have known nine out of the ten people I have conjoined in marriage.
Which means, that one of the couples whom I performed the matrimonial ceremonies, I only knew one of them. In this case, I knew the groom very well. The bride-to-be did not know me from Adam.
The groom asked me to be their officiant months and months before the wedding. I may have had a full year to stew over what I would say. I mention this only because I need to remind myself not to do that again. I perform better with much shorter notice. And a year is too long for someone like me, who is not very comfortable speaking publicly, to mull on things.
It did not help that it was during the time that my second marriage was crashing hard on the shoals of its inevitable demise. I wondered whether I should be the person to preside over this happy affair, give it my blessings and say a few Hallmark-approved words.
I don’t remember if I confided this to my friend. I do remember the unease I felt as the months passed and the day drew nigh.
Of course, his fiancé wanted and needed to meet with me to go over what I might say at their wedding. This was perfectly reasonable and standard procedure for Latter Day Dude officiants as well as your Episcopalian ministers and the like.
I should report this was not going to be my first wedding rodeo. It may have been my fourth and, if you add it to the two weddings my dad performed for me, and the numerous other family weddings - which my dad performed for my siblings and their offspring - you might say I was approaching, okay, maybe not expert status, but I was ‘steeped in the tradition’. Not to mention there are plenty of books for reference and, though I haven’t searched, I imagine there are YouTube videos galore on wedding ceremonies and how to conduct them.
In any case, the bride, who I still only knew in passing, and the groom came over to discuss the wedding ceremony with me. It might have been two weeks prior to their big day.
I viewed it as a ‘meet and greet’. A ‘get-to-know-you’, ice breaker sort of thing. I had no intention of getting into details about what I was going to say probably because I had yet to think - exactly - about what I was going to say. I was undoubtably hoping to glean something about her persona during our conversation and coupled with what the groom had already told me and little snippets here and there that had made it to my attention, I was sure I could speak comfortably about her character when push came to shove.
We had an easy banter going back and forth in my kitchen and our discussion seemed to be going very well and then I casually remarked that no one was going to remember what I said. Including them. I said, that in my experience, what matters the most is the overall “ambiance”. I may not have use the word ambiance but that was the gist of it.
What I meant by that was that what everyone was going to remember, including themselves, was the ‘big picture’ of their very big day. What was spoken mattered, but not in the details. I may have said at the time no one could recall what Lincoln said at Gettysburg but his words fit the setting - somber, weighty and concise.
I don’t think I expressed it well. The groom either understood what I was saying or, being a guy, overlooked or misunderstood the gravity of my carefree attitude as it related with his soon-to-be wife. We finished our conversation and beers and - as far as I could discern - they both walked out the door knowing their service was in capable hands.
Boy, was I ever wrong about that.
I got a call a day later that we needed to meet again. The sooner, the better.
My explanation was more clear this time around and she and I came to an understanding. She thought I was unconcerned about the content. Lackadaisical in its delivery. Indifferent in its meaningful impact.
I assured her that nothing could be further from the truth. I just knew it would not be worth our time agonizing over too many specifics because, in the end, the specifics were not going to be the takeaway of everyone in attendance.
When the wedding day arrived, they delivered their heartfelt vows, I bedazzled everyone with thoughtful, pertinent bullshit, along with a charming manner, and everyone - as far as anyone could tell - had a heckuva good time.
And no one, including myself, can remember a word I uttered, other than, “As the state of Washington vests in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife!”
And…
“You're married now. So kiss the bride,
But please, do keep it dignified.”—- Dr. Suess
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I just want to say “Thank you” to all who take a few moments out of their lives to check out what I might be rambling about on any given day. I especially appreciate those who reach out via email - or one of the dozen other internet means of communication - to say hello, or offer a little of their own insight to a topic, or suggest subject matter, or chat about the ‘glory days’ or “complain about the gummint”.
I would really, really appreciate it if you shared or encouraged others to sign up for a subscription. One of these days you’ll see a button that looks like this:
Because, throughout my life, I was a grasshopper and not an ant and now I need to monetize my grey matter while it lasts. But, fear not, because I am also a socialist by nature, it will always be by donation only.
Also, the button above is a dummy. Meaning it is just for show. If you can’t wait for me to go Live with that feature - I know, I know, pins and needles and all that - you can send something to my Venmo account: @riverraftingwa
I thought about writing about Reality Winner.
She’s the young woman who grew up in Texas who is now in federal prison in Fort Worth for leaking NSA documents relative to the whole Russians interfering with our elections in 2016 story. She’s not a hero, but she doesn’t deserve the treatment she has received especially in light of the recent pardons, commutations and good ol’boy back-slapping that is part and parcel of the current regime. Just about everything she leaked is now in the public domain.
Anyway, her story is fascinating and here is a lengthy, well-written article that will catch you up-to-speed. She was diagnosed positive with COVID within the last few news cycles.
As her mother pointed out to the author, “The world’s biggest terrorist has a Pikachu bedspread.”
Also, Sarah Cooper! Person, woman, man, camera, tv! Oh, my!